Healing from a Homebirth Turned Cesarean

My first pregnancy was low risk. I planned a homebirth with a skilled midwife. As a labor and delivery nurse, I knew full well all my options. My husband and I felt that having the baby at home was the best choice for us. Labor started at exactly 40 weeks. I was fully dilated and effaced for well over 24 hours, but my sweet baby was persistently occiput posterior (OP) and not descending. Despite our best efforts, and tricks of the trade, he would not rotate/descend into my pelvis as he should have. We decided together, as a team, that transfer to the hospital was our only option as labor reached the 48 hour mark. Once I arrived at the hospital, an obstetrician I’ve worked with and trust implicitly tried to manually rotate my baby, to no avail. He was wedged firmly in my pelvis, still OP and asynclitic. So, off for a non-emergent but necessary cesarean we went. In the days, weeks, and months that followed, I was haunted. I felt such a deep, powerful, and magnetic love for my son, but a stabbing hole in my soul. I felt robbed and eventually angry, as I attempted to process